This will be my last post for a while, as I feel I have written and posted enough over the last few months, and have been reminded by others that this has perhaps become a habit, a distraction from my own living. But I wanted to at least put this question because it has been occupying my mind for some time now, and I feel it is a natural question to ask:
What does it mean to observe inwardly?
I tried to ask this question on another thread, but for some reason it created a lot of resistance, even argument - though this was maybe due primarily to issues in communication.
When I look inwardly for myself the first thing I notice is my mood, my emotional atmosphere, or whatever it is that I am feeling. These feeling states change from day to day, or hour to hour, but this is what seem to be the focus of my inward looking.
Other people I have talked to say that when they look inwards they notice their thoughts, the movement of mental associations cascading continuously in their minds.
But although I can be aware of thoughts and the movement of mental associations, what grabs my attention most conspicuously is my feeling states or emotions (presumably created by my thinking). And it is these emotional states that I find it difficult to observe holistically.
K calls these emotional states (e.g. fear, hurt, sorrow, jealousy, loneliness, conflict, etc) contents of consciousness, reactions in consciousness. And he has asked whether it is possible for there to be a holistic observation of these contents?
One of the things he suggested which has stuck with me is that by remaining with these emotional states choicelesly, nonjudgmentally, without any motive to resolve them or dissipate them - observing them without any thought, without words, without moving away from them, etc - that these states can flower and dissipate, be emptied. Simply by staying with them (in observation).
Some people say they have done this with certain emotions (like anger and fear), while other emotions seem to be more difficult to remain with in the way K has suggested (for instance, sorrow).
I cannot say I have had much success in this business of staying with/remaining with emotional states (choicelessly, without judgement, without motive, etc). And I wonder if it is because I am missing some vital ingredient in my observation?
One thing that K has talked about in relation to this remaining with an emotional state, is that there must be a quality of affection, love, as though the observed emotional state was something precious (like a son or a daughter, or like a precious jewel): something to look at and listen to with great affection. So is it this quality of tenderness that is missing?
He also said that one must see, or intuitively experience, that the emotional state is not separate from oneself - i.e. that the feeling itself is part of oneself (the observer is the observed). That the fact of oneās sorrow or hurt (or whatever it is) is something inseparable from who one is, so there is no sense of separation between the feeling and oneself who is feeling. So this intuition or perception also seems to be critical.
Part of our resistance to observing ourselves inwardly is that we fear pain and discomfort, we do not want to be aware of difficult or disturbing emotional states. We would rather escape into some kind of entertainment or pleasure. This seems to be a natural response to inward disharmony.
And also, we project a fear of what might happen if the feeling state dissipates: we fear our projected image of being empty, being nothing. We do not believe that the harmonious state that follows the flowering and dissolving of emotion will be positive.
And yet, unless we are willing to remain with our inwardly disharmonious states, how will we ever find out whether they can in fact be dissipated through observation, let alone be transformed into a positive and harmonious feeling-state?
So, it seems to me, we can only take the first step of observation without knowing the actual outcome.
We may simply fail, again and again! (which has been my general experience up til now). But we may discover that the emotional state can flower, show itself wholly to the mind: that its content can be exposed through a holistic observation, and be emptied in that observation.
Perhaps there is nothing to be discussed about this matter verbally. Perhaps the only thing to be done is to experiment through oneās own direct nonverbal awareness and observation. But I thought it worth sharing here in case it is of interest or benefit to others.
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