Why would I want to “destroy the programme?” I am the programme. Why would I want to get rid of myself?
To find out what happens.
nobody,
Freedom…… … …
Both enticing.
How do I get a free trial with a guarantee of re-gaining my self if I’m not satisfied?
It has nothing to do with satisfaction.
What is the motivation then for “finding out what happens?”
You are putting a lot of wrong questions. Do you want to find out what happens? Listen to your own reaction to this question. The answer is there.
It depends. If I could find out in a day or two with relative ease, sure. If I’d need to devote a lifetime of spiritual-emotional work to it, then probably not. You say I’m asking the wrong questions, I say I’m asking the key questions: What is the motivation for this behavior?
Who cares. What is apparent is that you are not motivated. In fact you were finding these pointless conversations a bit tiring.
The motivation comes from god knows where, but it is not a choice - you are so disgusted by the pettiness and suffering of the self, that you die - the motivation comes from an intense sensitivity to the pettiness and the suffering.
So it is a desire for something better: less petty, less painful?
It is the seeing of what suffering is - no other choice is available than to give up.
Its not a choice between two concepts - its just the realisation that the self is dangerous for all (including your loved ones) - especially in so powerful a force as us humans.
I realize that the ego-self is dangerous for me and others and the planet … but it doesn’t make me want to somehow ‘lose’ my sense of self. Lots of things we value and love are dangerous, things that make life worth living. Why not just accept that danger/suffering/ugliness are integral parts of reality?
Love
Its like doing something unspeakable to my mother just because me, me, me is sooo important - its disgusting!
There is no separation between me and the all the other things.
Which means there is no separation between you and the violence/suffering/ugliness of the world. That ugliness is reality, what Krishnamurti called a fact, right? A shared observation. What shall we do with this fact?
When this fact is seen, no other action is necessary
In the seeing is the action of surrender aka psychological death
This is why awareness is silence - thought stops when it is seen for what it is
Then of course it is reborn - but Love/non-self is only available to us when our body still lives and our brain is still supple
That means I don’t see the fact, right? Or else I would effortlessly change, lose my sense of self. So if it is not a fact for me when I say “I understand that the self is dangerous for me, others, and the planet” what is it?
What is it? I’m guessing you can give as good an answer as me to that
What do you think?
I think it is a fact for me (in the sense ‘fact’ is used here). But my way of dealing with this fact does not lead to the kind of transformation you described. Perhaps because of the clinical distance I view and experience the world with? Perhaps I’m broken? Or mentally ill. Or maybe I’m accepting of things as they are, warts 'n all? Maybe I’m quite sane. So many possibilities!
Btw thank you for being willing to continue talking with me after I’ve ‘spilled the beans’ about myself. In forums like this, saying the kinds of things I’ve been saying is often regarded as a taboo. Which is why I used to keep it to myself, but I’m not motivated to do that anymore.
The beans you spilled only confirmed my theory (despite my getting all the details completely wrong 
) - you are a pluralist.
Although, I wasn’t actually familiar with the word.
A fact, for the intellectual sensualist, is just another, sometimes conflicting, concept to add to their collection.
PS - Intellectual sensualist being a synonym for “us folk”
Good one! 
True, I’m a pluralist, mea culpa. 
I’m also a dyed-inna-wool skeptic driven to do my best to find flaws in all views, including my own. Which leaves me at square one, over and over and over. In a way it’s a really stupid way to live … which, of course, makes me wanna do it even more!