Can the mind be totally aware of total conflict? (or total confusion, total sorrow, total envy)?
K: You observe disorder in yourself; one observes disorder in oneself, right? … I would like to go into that a little bit. I observe in myself disorder. Why do I call what I observe ‘disorder’? Which means I already have an inkling of what order is.
SP: Of course.
K: So I am comparing it with what I have experienced or known as order and thereby calling the what is disorder. I say, ‘Look, don’t do that, don’t compare, just see what disorder is.’ Can I know, can the mind know disorder without comparing itself with order? …
How do you know disorder? … Conflict is disorder… How am I to deal with conflict non-artificially?
You know nothing. You are listening for the first time; therefore you have to go into it with me…
Is your mind totally aware of conflict? Or is it just words? Stick to one thing. Is my mind totally aware that it is in conflict? Or is there a part of the mind that says, ‘I am aware that I am totally in conflict’? Or is there a part of me watching conflict? Or is there a part of me wishing to be free of conflict? Which means, is there any fragment which says, ‘I am not in conflict’? Or is there any fragment which separates itself from the totality of conflict?
If there is a separate fragment, that is all foolery. Then that fragment says, ‘I must act, I must do, I must suppress, I must go beyond.’ Please, this is a legitimate question: is the mind totally aware that there is only conflict? … Is your mind totally aware that there is nothing but conflict? Or is there a fragment, a little part, which skips away and says, ‘Yes, I know, I am aware I am in conflict. I am not in conflict, but I know.’ So is conflict a fragment or total?
I will keep to the same [point], only put in a different word for the time being: is there total darkness or a slight light somewhere? … Is [the mind] ever aware that there is total conflict? …
When the room is full of furniture – forgive me if it’s a wrong example – there is no space to move. I would consider that utter confusion. Is my mind so totally full of this confusion that it has no movement away from this? If it is so completely full of confusion, conflict, and full of this furniture that’s in the room, then what takes place? That’s what I want to get at – not a partial this and a partial that. When the steam is full it must do something: explode. And I do not think we look at this confusion, this conflict so totally.
Could I use the word ‘sorrow’? May I? Now, there is no moving away from sorrow. When you move away from sorrow, then it is just an escape from it, or suppression, all the rest of it. Can one be full of sorrow? Not ‘Can one?’ Is there such a thing as being full of sorrow? …
So I say, ‘Remain with the fact of that thing, don’t introduce…’ all the rest of it. Is the mind totally full of this sorrow, this confusion, this conflict? I won’t move away till that is so… If the heart is full of love and there is no part of envy in it, the problem is finished. It is only when there is a part that is envious that the whole problem arises.
PJ: Then one is full of envy.
K: Therefore remain with it, remain full of envy, be envious, feel it.
PJ: Then its total nature undergoes…
K: …a tremendous change.
PJ: In itself it undergoes a change.
K: Of course that’s what I am saying. When you say, ‘I am envious and I must not’, when somewhere in the dark corner is the educational restraint, then something goes wrong. But if you say, ‘Yes, I am envious’, and don’t move from that… Moving is rationalizing, suppressing, all that. Just remain with that feeling.
(from Explorations and Insights, Chapter 5)
Can one remain with a feeling?
You never remain with a feeling, and with nothing else: with hate, or with that strange feeling of beauty. When the feeling of hate arises, you say how bad it is; there is the compulsion, the struggle to overcome it, the turmoil of thought about it.
Try remaining with the feeling of hate, with the feeling of envy, jealousy, with the venom of ambition; for after all, that’s what you have in daily life, though you may want to live with love, or with the word ‘love’.
(from Commentaries on Living, Series III - Chapter 37)
And let it unfold?
So, being aware of a thought or a feeling as it arises, without condemning it or identifying with it, you will find that it unfolds ever more widely and deeply, and thereby discover the whole content of what is.
(from Choiceless Awareness)